This just in: I will no longer be terrorizing Chicago’s Whole Foods’ Staff Any Longer

1 - Uncle Ben’s Rice quickfire challenge – Next week: Spam Throwdown

2 - I can’t figure out who’s bitchier in the quickfire judging, Art Smith or Padma

3 - Spike’s Mark Twain meets Marc Jacobs porkpie is totally hobo couture

4 - Richard, abusive to the fishmonger as usual

5 - 10 dollar budget at Whole Paycheck should cover one organic lime for each contestant

6- Dale buys sausage, making it three weeks in a row that no one heeded Paul Kahan’s lesson to make your own sausage

7 -Child labor, sweet.

8 -Nikki cooking Brussels sprouts for a kid friendly dinner. I’ve seen this movie before and it doesn’t end well. (I stand corrected.)

9 -Colicchio seems concerned that OSHA might bust Top Chef for child endangerment

10 - There’s a commercial for Step It Up and Dance on Bravo, and it’s really scary how much the host Elizabeth Berkley sounds like Padma, like they’re cloned from the same super-spokesmodel planet.

11 - Oh, god, Richard wants to make babies…if there’s a case for state mandated sterilization, I think this is it.

12 - Antonia, we…loved…your…whole wheat noodles…robot Padma’s batteries are running low.

13 - Marc. He gone. God the indignity, he’s drinking Michelob to drown his sorrow.

14 - Next week: the dumbest people on earth get talked in to letting Top Chef cater their wedding.