Damn the cookware pimps at Marshall Fields.

I have this thought at least once a week. I can still see the sales lady in the kitchenwares department shaking her head disapprovingly as I fingered the shiny finish of an All Clad sauté pan. I still see her slinking over as my wife and I John Wayned our way through the bridal registry with a wireless scanner gun.

The sales lady harrumphed, whipped off her high gloss red reading glasses and beelined for us. I expected her to smack my wrist right off the pan, but instead she went into this tirade about how we wouldn’t want stainless pans, they’re too much work, how what we really wanted was the Calphalon non stick collection, and how she would throw in an extra wok and a griddle if we registered for the set. If only we held out for a set of Ginzu knives.

To be fair, at the time, I thought cooking was something my grandmother did. Sbarro was my point of reference for luxury food, and I thought the chrome lids on the Calphalon set were pretty sweet.

For the next year or so after we got married, I was pretty psyched. Like that first soccer trophy you got when you were a little kid, our shiny Calphalon set was on display, a little museum of unused pots gleaming on the kitchen shelves.

Then I learned to cook.

You do need a good nonstick pan, but you sure as hell don’t need a non stick arsenal. Then again you don’t need five Waterford lead crystal vases, the NASCAR collector’s edition china, or that Baccarat dolphin sculpture either, but, hey if someone else is buying…

That’s the problem with wedding registries; they keep whole industries devoted to manufacturing useless items afloat. Seriously, how often do you make fondue….unless you’re retro hipster chic and ironic, the answer probably depends on how many times Martha Stewart has tricked you into throwing an “easy” dinner party based on fondue…so three times, but anyway…

Large expensive sets of pans you’ll never use are a waste. I have nothing against Calphalon, but the non stick set we got can’t be used in the dishwasher, and if you spray them with nonstick cooking spray, a residue forms on the pan that ruins them forever. Well, non stick cooking spray should never be used, but that was before I learned to cook.

So what kind of pans do you need….

The Nonstick Skillet

Since, I’ve spent all this time bashing non stick pans, you still need one. Everyone makes an omelette, burns a sticky mess of crepes trying to rock out like Jacques Pepin or Julia Child, and everyone goes on that no lipid diet at some point, so it’s good to have a non stick pan. The thing is, the Teflon coating doesn’t last forever, so there’s no point spending hundreds of dollars on this one. You’ll buy another at some point. You want a pan that won’t warp, so don’t spend five bucks at Wal-Mart either. We’re pretty partial to the T-Fal Jamie Oliver pan. They’re reasonably priced, they have the cool red dot thing in the middle to tell you when your pan is hot (which you don’t need), and Jamie Oliver is just totally pukka. As Jamie would say, if you get one of these, hey Bob’s your uncle….

Hungry Pick: T-Fal Jamie Oliver Non Stick

Cast Iron Skillet

The number one way to improve your cooking is to brown your food. The depth of carmelization, or that brown crust that develops on a piece of seared meat, imparts so much flavor. If you don’t get that brown sear, you might as well steam all your meat.

Nothing browns like a cast iron skillet. If you’re urban and you don’t have outdoor space for a BBQ, nothing pan sears a better burger or steak. If you want to start talking with a southern drawl, call everyone honey, and whip up some cornbread and fried green tomatoes, this is the first step, just ask Paula Deen.

If you give up cooking, a cast iron pan will be the deadliest weapon you own, unless you are Charlton Heston. Then again you couldn’t pry my cast iron pan from my cold dead hands.

This is probably the cheapest, high quality pan you will ever buy. For less than twenty bucks you will have a pan that lasts as long as your people continue to populate the earth.

Hungry Pick: Lodge Logic Cast Iron Skillet

The Stainless Steel Heavy Saute

This is my go to pan, the workhorse of my kitchen. It can be used for anything, braises, sautéing veg, browning meat, making sauces, roasting, tenderizing meat, and maiming intruders.

This pan will set you back a bit, but it’s a worthwhile investment. All Clad is the way to go here. If you don’t believe me, the folks over at Cook’s Illustrated put all kinds of fancy cookware through rigorous testing. They gave the pots an MRI or whatever the culinary equivalent was, and found that the All Clad held heat, didn’t buckle, browned well, and had no hot spots.

Hungry Pick: All Clad Saute

Cast Iron Enamel Dutch Oven

You definitely don’t need this pan. You can substitute any heavy bottomed reasonably priced deep sauce pan for making soups, boiling pasta, or braising.

On the other hand, in the words of the rapper Fifty-Cent, I love this pan like a fat kid loves cake. I can’t afford a Ferrari, nor am I likely ever to own one, so this is the closest I’ll get. The Le Creuset holds heat like Rush Limbaugh and browns like a teenage girl in a tanning bed. I feel like I make better soups, chili, and Osso Bucco when I cook with this number. The only other time this kind of kitchen confidence comes is after too much wine.

Hungry Pick: Le Creuset Dutch Oven

That’s all you really need. You might want to get a few small saucepans, or if you bake, some cake pans, but if you have the four pans above, you’ll save yourself some cupboard space and some money. With the extra dough, you can buy yourself another piece of crystal.